the creature formerly known as glis (gliserine) wrote,
the creature formerly known as glis
gliserine

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CATERPILLAR

My sister was here last night, Ares and her spent the night over. I was glad to see her - although I've been back for two weeks now I hadn't met her at all, as they always come to visit in the afternoons when I have to go to work, or don't feel like sticking around them shouting if it's too late in the night. But yesterday she was alone, and we sat around talking and watching tv, we saw "american beauty" on video too, which lasted till 5am.

It's strange to see her, she's the same in every way she could be, but still different now, she's got a husband and a pregnancy. Her belly shows now, she has an impressive figure even though she moans that she's put on too much weight.

The whole deal made me think how difficult realising our own selves is. I feel like my whole life is a struggle to define myself - an endless plight, as by the time I've pinned the essentials down, me is not old me anymore. It's not that I change too much too often, it's just growing. I can't stop it, neither would I want to - I just wish I could have a bit more understanding of what I am going through :|

So here I am, peering backwards and squinting forwards, trying to note the clues and make something of them.

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I keep trying to remember what happened to me during my adolescence. A few years back I flicked through all the journals I have kept at the time, and it just made me feel very sad for the girl that wrote them. But although I could even remember myself writing them, going through all the things that were mentioned in there, I could even recognise my own handwriting (despite successfully having forced myself to change it at one point), I couldn't really recognise myself in any of it! Too much time has passed and I'm not that girl any more, and I can't even remember how she was.

I have had the same problem with my childhood too, but meeting G has helped regain a contact with that era of my life. It's also nice now that I get to spend time with my childhood friends, because even though we are all grown-ups now, we can all remember ourselves as we were when we were little children, and actually refer to that quite often, especially when we are trying to illustrate a point about our behaviour, character, traits. But I also spend time with B who is a friend from our teenage years, and there simply isn't any comforting there, the views we have of each other as teenagers are unfavourable - when they are not fuzzy.

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What scares me about this dark patch in my past is that I've caught myself matching it up with the "dark" - that is, hard to discern - future. I've been scared for some time now of all the changes that will take place in my life as of July this year. I've got a strong reference point which is G, but the rest of my world will either be left behind or get substituted by something else.

Another passage. Hope and pray that what I will find of me on the other side will be closer to my daydreams than to my nightmares.
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